�������������� I want to hear�the sound of my heart beat. When it is about to out beat any rhythm. I get attached like sticky honey on my finders. The soft touch makes me fall in love. Bare skin, butterflies all around me. I loose it. Everything fades away except for my main point of desire. I loose my breath. I cuddle myself to sleep. As if I am cold. The wind seems to blow through the hair on my body. It tickles when I am not wearing any clothes. I reach out my arms and hug myself. Laying down in silence. A million thoughts rush through my mind. Imagination, it is so amazing but in reality it was never like this. There is no need for perfection. When I feel love, I have nothing to argue about.
�������������� I roll from side to side searching for a comfortable spot on my bed, Stretching all directions. This is not all about me, feelings don't work alone. If anyone felt what I feel, there would not be any misunderstanding. And as I hide in dark places to respect the world. I wait, for long. For the time that never comes. Something comes in my way. Pushes me back in line. I want to make things work. Fix all the problems. It can be done.
July 10, 2008
I had a great time back in WI for the 4th of July weekend.� Thank you everyone who came to dinner at Jud’s on Wednesday, it was great to see everyone.� We had a super weekend up north at Braun’s Haven.� The weather was great and I think a good time was had� by all.� My trip to and from Charlotte was pretty uneventful.� Trying to leave the airport in Charlotte however was a different story.� I knew when I left for WI that I was potentially going to have some problems as I totally forgot to check what parking lot I parked in at the airport.� When I got on the shuttle bus to the parking lot the gentleman driving asked what lot I was in.� I literally did not know what to tell him.� I could tell by the look his face that he did not think this was a good situation.� He started to ask me some questions to try and narrow down the area of the lot I might have parked in.� He dropped me off in the area I “thought” I might be in.� He said he was going to drop of the other lady on the shuttle and he would be back to help me.� With suitcase in tow I started to walk the isle hitting the unlock button.� By the grace of God I found my car after only 3 isles.� I was incredible grateful for that.� It could have turned out to be a very long night.� When I was leaving the lot I asked if the parking attendant could radio the shuttle driver and tell him that the gray Chevy trailer blazer with Wisconsin plates had found her!!
I am getting off at 2:00PM today. I am going to go pick-up the kids and take them out to moms with me. After we do a little swimming I am going to take them to get a bite to eat. I'm hoping that seeing the kids will take my mind off of Christy. I also miss them so much. I can't wait to see them everyday again. Another reason that I will never be back with Christy and that I need to move away from this mess that was once called love.
I have been submiting questions to anserbag.com. It's a pretty fun site. When you ask or answer a question all of the other members can rate, answer and comment on your input. Sometimes it can really be a lot of fun. Some days it can really piss me off. It passes the time during slow periods.
I still can't get her off my mind. Let me give you a breif history of the situation. I have been dating Christy for four years on and off. She lived in Tipp and I lived in Brookville(about 20 miles apart). In about November she decided to buy a house in Brookville. I moved in with her. We had an alright relationship through the four years. The best part was that we are both very sexual people and we both explored our fantises together. Anyway our kids did not get along at all and the dream soon became a prison.
We began to fight quite often and everytime that we fought she would end up throwing me out of the house. On May 26th 2008 she threw me out again and I decided that it was really time to leave. I decided to leave for the sake of our kids and ourselves. I arranged to move in with a friend. He said that he was counting on me to help him with his house payment. He only needed me to stay for 6 months to a year. Wouldn't you know it that as I started moving stuff out she started changed her mind. It was too late. There was nothing that I could do. I wanted so much to keep thevicious cycle going, but I was not going to burn the only bridge that I had.
So the next weekend I moved my personal stuff in BN's home and I was no longer sleeping in her bed. We would go out when neither of us had the kids and we would have sex. Strike that, not just sex it was the most passionate sex that we had ever had. Then at the end of the weekend I would go back home. We would still get into fights and other then the sex nothing really changed. Now we've decided that we need to back off a bit, which as much as I hate to say it, I agreed. But this last weekend I found out that she slept with a mutual friend of ours. Now every bad thought that I have always feared is rearing it's ugly head. How long was this being planned? Is this the only time? Did he give her anything? and on and on.... I slept for a total of 2 hours last night.
I have got to move on! I can't keep doing this to myself. I don't want my kids to see what I am doing to myself. There is no way that I can ever be with her again. I will never be able to trust her again. The worst thing is that I don't know if I can ever sleep with her again. So for that fact I have got to move forward and not backwards.
10:10 - First chance to update this morning.
-- Mandrake server has issues.� Have to reset the VM because I can't get logged in.� After it's back up, Biker Babe says the app won't start:
could not connect to demeter on port 27135 couldn't bind port 20080, 20081
found /var 100% on demeter.
-- Team meeting - discussing the DMX disaster
-- the E drive on ntqua02 is full, talked to Thug about it and he's trying to get the right people on it.� (it's a windows box, and I don't do windows)
-- IWS perf test for today - delayed - they want me to check out and chart Thyme LM 215 but I haven't got time.� Too many fires so I bailed on this today.
- Staph Meating healthcare stuff pissed me off.� Made some phone calls but nobody gives a damn.� feck it.
- Sitescope is yelling about mountpoints for WICK systems.� PM to Tequila to check it out.� Tell him to df -h then mount -a and it'll probably fix it.� He said it didn't change when he did it, so it was already mounted.� Dunno.� Told him that a good PR move would be to call CarrotCake and ask if the servers are working properly because we're seeing an error in monitoring.� She'll love that kind of attention.� He took my advice.�
(always heed suck-up advice boys and girls, customers both internal and external like to know that their highly paid engineers are paying attention to their needs.� It's good for the career.) ((and I can bet Tequila didn't open the conversation with "Coraline said there might be an issue with your servers..."� But I don't mind.))
3:30 - Went through DEV and straightend out the final LDAP issues.� Changed the DN's and put the sudoers file into place.� With the root password changed, users are accessing the systems via admin accounts.�
Got the OK to do SWT on Friday.� Hoppy is out in a training class but he'll VPN in tomorrow and stage the ED systems.� After 5pm on Friday (Dark Weekend anyway), I'm bouncing the SWT env and verifying connectivity.
- Working on setting up marriott and hilton
- Pooh Bear couldn't get into phys Delphi but I got the IP from Mr. T. and gave him a new password.� He can't find apps, but I think it's at hda13 which wasn't mounted.� The /u partitions are most likely mounted wrong, so I need him to look at what we have and just tell me which goes where so I can fix it for him.
- Mandrake has been fucko all day and reset multiple times.� I finally got some time to look at it and found webseal had run away and was bleeding the system to death.�
ps -ef|grep webseald|awk '{print $2}' |xargs kill -9
-- By the way, Becky is back to work.� She's doing w@h for this week but will have a presence in the office next.� Mr. T. never did give me her address so I'll have to make a trip in next week to give it to her personally.� Also want to get something for Chez, who got back from Vacation today.� (I'll probably give her a new laser pointer so she can play with Smalls.)
3:50 - Mr. T. took the DMX migration off of Slick's plate and mine.� PD2 and ESX Remediation are top priorities.� Margie is on her own, and if it breaks in half THEN it's ALL HANDS ON DECK.� I probably owe some thanks to Skipper.
Quote of the day
"Better stop short than fill to the brim. Oversharpen the blade, and the edge will soon blunt. Amass a store of gold and jade, and no one can protect it. Claim wealth and titles, and disaster will follow. Retire when the work is done. This is the way of heaven." - Tao Te Ching
Universe entry of the day
One of the most comforting thoughts of all, Ed, is knowing that all roads lead "home."
Even more comforting, is understanding that you never left.
From all of us "back" home,
-The Universe-
Journal entry of the day
Why do we feel as Americans that everything needs a negative spin on it. We live for the weekend. Hump day is the benchmark for being halfway to the weekend. I cna't even watch the local news anymore. It's all bad news. It's designed to get you to watch the commercials. They even play up the weather, "I'll tell you all about the weeekend and what to expect, tonight at 11". C'mon, gimme a break. I can't stay up till eleven. The one thing I can and willwatch is the weather channle. Just straight talk about the weather and no fluff, gotta love it.
I am in the midst of a firestorm of work after being free to raom for several year. I find it strangely rewarding to be immersed in something I truly am poassionate about. I have never had that before. I've made money and done some work. But, never before have I felt I was going to really emote change in me and others as well. Never before have i felt like i was really sitting on something huge, that could change the world. MaxGXL and MaxWLX have rocked my relaity and shifted my paridigms. I can't wait to see what the next 6 months will bring.
Are you truly passionate about what you do. Do you jump out of bed in the morning because you can't wait to see where the day will take you?
-- This is a recap note for yesterday and is post-dated
--� Morning started slow with a BTI meeting, but my afternoon schedule was quadruple booked.� I had :
- my '1-1 meeting' ; EMC Lunch; EMC Presentation ; PAM/LDAP Meeting ; Communications ; DMX Migration Test ; Blackbird ; and IWS R3 Perftest
all scheduled from 1pm - 5pm.� I knew there wasn't any way I was going to do all that from home so I packed up and left for the office at about 10:30 and arrived onsite at 11:35.�
-- Highlight notes:
- Communications issue with Fick.� He keeps getting prompted for authentication on Pan and Athena.� After looking at the problem I decided to do two things:
- Abandon the Redmond Washington authentication system completely.� It's old, it's outdated, and it's needed to be decommissioned for a while now.� From now on we're going to use Athens Georgia or Pittsburgh Pennsylvania, with a preference for Georgia.
- Re-arrange the nsswitch search order for authentication to: winbind ldap files
� After the changes were made and the perfunctory 10 minute propagation period, all was well.� Sent this info to Dustin in ST.
-- IWS Perf test showed Thyme LM 215 tank again.� I don't know what they expect, it's lab mangler and they're beating the piss out of it.� Wonky code made it start swapping even with 3gb of ram and I have to do charts and diagrams today if I can find time.
-- ROOT PASSWORD in Dev has been changed.�
-- DMX Migration test was a fucking nightmare.� Slick and I stayed until 7PM straightening it out.
� -� Hook up SAN to okoboji and change the HBA firmware, but on boot we get unable to load an aicXXXX driver and a kernel panic.� Slick has screenshots from Raritan.� We're going to talk with Thug, KennyB, and Otter to get clarification on the HBA documentation we have.� Then we're going to try the cut over again (the copy may have gotten fucko), and if all else fails, we're calling for Vendor support.
-- Kibbles N' Bits needs an admin ID.
-- Squirrelface doesn't know how to change user pw's on apollo.�
-- Grandpa Simpson totally fucked his workstation VM install by copying RHEL3 binaries to a RHEL5 system.� He's going to have to rebuild.
-- There is an issue with mail on Killian & Guiness in LM
To be continued.
I only hope that the pain in my heart stops throbing soon. I NEED TO GET SLEEP.
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